Every year December fills me with dread. Maybe it's leftover childhood trauma of the holidays approaching and feeling that despair because school (my favorite place in the world) was ending and three months of bleak loneliness were ahead. Or maybe I still remember my mom's stress because there was never enough money for presents or I don't know. But I still carried those feelings into adulthood even though I had the means to buy presents for my family. some years I was so homesick for Argentina, being in Utah felt like a torture. I missed the sounds and smells of Rosario--jasmines, strawberries, and gunpowder for the fireworks that went off every night for one celebration or another. I missed the music and the food, and the frenetic excitement in the air. How can so many conflicting emotions for a season exist all at once?
But this year, although I still miss my siblings, I'm enjoying the season. I'm not religious at all, but I love that almost the whole world gets together to celebrate the return of the light (in the Northern hemisphere) and some celebrate the birth of a baby whose message as an adult was to love one another because we're all children of God, nothing else. I love the get togethers and the gift giving. I love being cozy in my house, which is my sanctuary.
I'm not working on any books or stories this December. I'm waiting for an editorial letter, and at this point, if I get it, I won't work on it until January. Sometimes my fingers itch to be typing, and that's why I decided to blog. On my long walks with my dogs my mind wanders off into stories and make-believe scenarios. But I'm not starting anything new or working on revisions. I'm giving my body and soul the gift of rest, and for me, whose value has been firmly tied to my production, this is a major victory. My goal is to reduce my stress and cortisol so I can be healthy and enjoy my life.
I'm going to the gym with my friends, and I'm getting so very strong. I'm watching Better Call Saul and I'm impressed by the superb writing. I'm wrapping my kids' presents ahead of Christmas eve while I watch Saul. I go on walks and don't listen to a book or podcast. I sit in the kitchen while music plays. Maybe I'll make cookies, but maybe I'll get them from the store. And I'm okay. I'm okay with slowness. And I'm grateful, so grateful for this privilege of letting my mind rest and my body heal from years of burnout.
My fourth child arrives from her study abroad this weekend, and I can't wait for all of us to be together. That's all I want. To be with my family.
How is your December going?
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